Needed
by Mumbling Xandra
Summary: Dash Shepard is sick of being treated like the ruthless, careless monster she is made out to be in the media. Inside, she is fragile and emotionally unstable. She has no one to vent to, no one to care about her. And along comes Joker...F!Shep/Joker.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, I shall attempt a multi-chaptered fic. Wish me luck.

Well, I absolutely adore Joker, that much is apparent. Everyone seems to portray Shepard as a total Badass, but I though 'What if Shepard was actually a guilt-ridden, shy, nervous wreck'? She would need some sort of outlet for her misery. And along comes Joker!

This shall start at ME1, go through 2, and, with luck, 3!~ ...Review. It keeps me going. Anyway, enjoy.

- PJB

Sobs sent tremors through her muscled form. Tears left damp trails upon her tanned skin, staining her cheeks. Never would she be able to erase the memories from her mind. When was the last time she had survived a whole night without being haunted by them? The screams of her comrades, their hands scraping on the doors. They begged, they pleaded. But she didn't act. She just panicked. Cowered in the corner of the warehouse, her body coated with sweat. She practically oozed fear that day.

Everyone called her a 'hero'. Commander Dash Shepard, the survivor. But it was all her fault. The Thresher Maw would never have gotten her team if she'd helped, or at least let them hide with her. Every title, every commendation she received was just another shot of guilt. It was like she was on a guilt bender, forever hungover. A guilt-aholic.

She pressed the back of her shaved head against the cold wheel of the Mako. This was where she lurked when she had her nightmares. No one ever ventured down into the lower reaches of the Normandy until the early hours of the morning. Usually she would have scurried away by that point, putting her serious, military-woman mask back in place. If the crew noticed the dark circles under her eyes caused by her sleep deprivation, they didn't mention it, and for that she thanked them.

Pulling her blanket up to her chin, a shiver ran through Shepard's body. The downside of this part of the ship was the temperature. Always freezing. Something Shepard didn't completely understand about not overheating the machinery. They had explained it to her in more technical terms, but it had slipper her mind. She wrapped the thin material around her, nuzzling her face into the musky-smelling cotton and letting her head roll onto her shoulder. She didn't dare sleep, but she could just sit here and think until morning.

~o0o~

She was awake again. How many nights had she gone without sleep now? Joker had lost count. No wonder she was always so quiet and shaky when interacting with others. Yes, Joker watched her most nights. It was his 'quiet time', if you will. This late at night, no one entered the cockpit, all were asleep in the crews quarters.

Joker watched the woman upon the surveillance camera with great interest. He had barely even uttered a word to the Commander, let alone an actual in-depth conversation with her. She hadn't been on the ship for as long as he had, but she seemed to suit the job well.

That was, until night time. During the day she was a normal soldier. She got on with her work with no questions asked. Yes, she stayed silent most of the time, but Joker assumed it was because she was just strategizing deep in her mind. At night...that all fell apart. Her vibrant skin turned sickly pale and her plump lips were torn to shreds by her teeth. She would wander down into the bottom of the ship and stare into space, doing nothing more than stroking her blanket or pressing her forehead against the Mako.

This woman, notorious for being superior, a true role model for humans, had some serious issues, it would seem. She never spoke of any problems, nor did she try to fix them. All hours Joker would watch her. She never let on that anything was awry.

Joker knew it was wrong to invade her privacy like this, but he was intrigued. He wanted to get to the roots of the problem, but he didn't even know the woman. He didn't even know her full name! Everyone called her 'Dash' or 'Shepard'. What was 'Dash' short for, if anything? And Was she a nice person? A complete monster? He didn't know. One day he would talk to her and ask.

But for now, she was his little secret.


	2. Chapter 2

Well, I'm already having trouble staying on top of updates. I'm good at this.

Anyways, I apologize for making Dash so...ugh. She will get better, I promise! And until then, chapters may be a little short. Want to get to the interesting stuff quickly!

Also, I just watched the ME3 demo. They brought back my beloved! I'm so happy! ...And by 'beloved', I mean Kirrahe. Ahem. Enjoy.

~ PJB

~o0o~

Shepard felt like the living dead the next day. Her limbs were all...heavy, and wrong-feeling. She wanted nothing more than to just curl up in a ball and pass out for the next week. And the days events...they had just made her feel...vile. She could have saved Jenkins. If she was really the great Commander that everyone believed she was, she would have been able to keep the man under control! And then there was the...vision. More death images implanted into her mind. Just what she needed!

She buried her face in her shaking hands. Everyone told her it wasn't her fault. 'Marines die', they said. But that didn't help her in the least. She never understood how they managed to immunize themselves to the death around them. Yes, she wouldn't react around people, but here...all alone in the lower ship again, she let it all flow free. Under her breath she whispered a sincere prayer to those lost that day. Nihlus, Jenkins, the colony on Eden Prime...They hadn't been fast enough. So much for 'Dash' Shepard.

She let out a small scoff. The tears had dried up, apparently. Now she just felt life death incarnate. She pushed her blanket to the side and pulled herself to her feet using the Mako as support. She shushed her bitter thoughts, pushing them aside. Wiping her eyes, she contemplated what to do until morning. The Geth attacks probably meant even less sleep for her. She really did need to find something productive to do in the early hours of the morn. A hobby, perhaps.

Shepard tossed her blanket to the side as she stepped out of the elevator. As much as she loved the large swatch of material, it didn't exactly make her look professional if she carried it around with her all hours of the day. When people weren't looking, okay, but she never knew who she would bump into at night, if anyone.

The ship floor was cold on her bare feet and arms. She was wearing only a vest and a pair of pyjama-shorts. Why she bothered to wear night clothes if she wasn't going to sleep, she didn't really know. Maybe she should just sleep in her hard-suit, she mused. It would certainly be warmer. And maybe it would make her feel less paranoid? It was definitely a plan. A ridiculous one, but a plan nonetheless.

Eventually deciding to hunt down the mess hall and get hot chocolate, she had to try and remember where the Hell the place actually was. She had been aboard the Normandy for a while now, but she still hadn't memorized the ship's layout yet. Navigation wasn't one of her strong points. Kaidan had noticed that before. He claimed it was cute. She had just glared at him. Lucky for him, Shepard didn't mind him mocking her. She knew he meant it playfully, so she just went along with it. For now.

Shepard made sure to tread lightly around the ship. She didn't want to wake anyone unnecessarily...or at all. Her body was still trembling and her knees didn't feel completely stable. She wouldn't feel completely stable for a few days now. She had seen one of her men shot down right in front of her like he was nothing. He had been her responsibility. She felt a new tear escape, but frantically wiped it away before it dripped from her face. He efforts were futile. She was crying again.

~0o0~

Another night of Shepard looking positively pitiful again. Joker hadn't even realized he had exited the cockpit until he caught sight of Shepard in the mess hall, sobbing over a steaming mug of hot chocolate. He had, admittedly, been following her with the surveillance cameras again. He had followed her from the lower decks to the elevator, to the mess hall...most would find it pretty creepy if he told them of his little stalker-hobby.

He hadn't even thought of what he was going to say, let alone come up with an excuse to explain why he was awake, and why he was suddenly in the mess hall for no apparent reason. Coffee? That would work. He was...making coffee. At four in the morning. Freakin' flawless excuse.

"Up early, Commander?" His voice was cheerful, God knows that Shepard needed something to lighten the mood. She hadn't even heard him enter apparently, as she let out something akin to a yelp and dropped her mug in one quick movement, spilling the contents upon her lap. She winced in pain, but ignored it to carefully gather up the shards of broken porcelain from her lap.

"Um...Yes! I was...working. Too busy to sleep." Her lie was blatant, but Joker just nodded understandingly and threw her a rag to wipe the remains of chocolate fluid. She looked so nervous, it was almost sweet. Her and Joker had never really had much of a proper conversation, so he supposed it was acceptable in this situation. Especially seeing as she was only half-dressed and now covered in chocolate. Chocolate which had made her vest go most transparent. She wiped the liquid way, a light blush creeping up her tanned skin.

Her deep blue eyes were wide with panic and her shivering hadn't died down. Joker didn't point it out, still smiling gently. He wasn't exactly great with people himself, but he was determined to calm Shepard down, even slightly.

"Sorry about that." He motioned to the wrecked mug remnants. "I'm not good at this whole 'charming and friendly' bullshit." That earned him what appeared to be a fragment of a smile from the Commander. Just a very slight up-turn of her lips, but it was better than nothing.

"None can be quite as bad as Pressly." Oh, so she actually had a sense of humour? Joker laughed, remembering that he should probably do something to hide the fact that he'd come here just to bother the Commander, so he begun to make coffee. The machine was loud and obnoxious, but it broke some of the heavy atmosphere.

"Or the Captain. I don't think I've ever actually seen him...not be a total grump." Shepard giggled. She actually _giggled. _Now that was an accomplishment. Joker felt proud of himself, proud that this whole encounter hadn't been completely counter-productive.

"Probably doesn't help that we have to see the council and Udina tomorrow. Captain's really set on nailing Saren." Joker added, sipping from his coffee. It was still way too hot, but it didn't really bother him all that much. He raised an eyebrow as Shepard groaned.

"I just imagined the Captain nailing Saren. Well, I don't know what Saren looks like...but still. Ugh." And she even made dirty jokes. Joker was sure that him and the Commander were going to get along just fine, even if it was clear that she felt nothing but pure, uncut awkwardness at that particular moment. Joker let out another bark of laughter, this time more sincere than the other time where he had been partially laughing out of pity.

Shepard felt beyond embarrassed, but tried her best to hide it well. Only a handful of times she had spoken to the Normandy's pilot. It had even taken her a few minutes to remember his name. Well, his nickname at least. All she really knew was that he was one of the best at what he did, graduating flight school at the top of his class. She did question why he was talking to her, but mainly because he hadn't gone out of his way to do so before.

"So you think the Captain's just in denial of his creepy Turian fetish? ...Yeah, I could believe that." The man wasn't too bad. His company didn't bother her too much, and the conversation was light hearted. A nice change from the military questions she was usually bombarded with by those she encountered.

"I'm not going to be able to look at him the same again. Let's just hope we don't get any Turians on board." It was mostly just the lack of sleep that was making Shepard so talkative, but she was enjoying it. She sort of liked it when she became so over-tired that everything was amusing. It wasn't like it happened often, she might as well make the most of it. Subconsciously, she tapped her fingers on the surface top of the table, a metallic noise ringing through the hall. It almost sounded like a little song that Shepard was composing with her fingertips.

"So, what are you going to tell the council?" Just a mention of the council dampened her mood in one quick move, but at least it didn't break her completely. She wasn't going to cry again. She wouldn't let herself! Especially not in front of a crew mate.

Joker realized instantly that mentioning the council hadn't been a good move by the look on Shepard's face. "Because it probably wouldn't be acceptable to just say 'Saren's a dick, let's go get cake!', would it?" Smooth. Beyond smooth. Downright slippery. That was an odd way to describe it. Nonetheless, Joker thought he was doing pretty well here. Shepard actually seemed to think about it for a moment.

"There are no words for how much I would love to do that." Shepard was actually a little disappointed that she would no way have the courage to ever say that to their faces. She would probably just turn into the usual snivelling heap as she always did when faced with confrontation. She hated that so much about herself.

"That would...that would just be immense. If you ever do it, you will have my eternal respect, Commander." Joker punctuated this with a mock-salute and a sharp nod of his head. Shepard's smile was bitter. Courage earned respect. She had none. Or was it recklessness? Truly, it was much the same thing.

"Udina would freak. He'd probably spank me or shake his first and tell me to get off his lawn." Okay, sleepy-Shepard really did come out with some amazing gems. She would probably feel completely humiliated when she recalled this later on in the day, when she had finally got a hold of her senses.

"Was that mental image revenge for the Captain and Saren one?" Joker grimaced, rolling his eyes playfully. Shepard let out an odd combination of a yawn and a sleepy laugh. Joker's smile fell just a small bit. Shepard had been successfully hiding how tired she was, but that didn't hide the way the lack of sleep was ravaging her body. She looked so...weak. But his presence didn't seem to be bothering her. If anything, she was happy for the distraction. So, even though he was tired himself, he wouldn't leave her. For tonight, at least.


	3. Chapter 3

See? Dash isn't too bad once she's...really damn tired. Woot.

I'll be honest, I haven't really planned this out too well, I'm just letting my Joker-obsession take over! Ideas are always appreciated. Also, some facts may be a little askew, such as how Shepard knows Kaidan and whatnot. It seems cuter this way. Also, I completely forgot the actual dialogue of the council when they make Shep a spectre, so I made it up...heh, sorry.

And flamers will be violated with a rake. Enjoy. ~

PJB

~O0O~

Joker always got bored when the ship was docked. In fact, all he ever seemed to do nowadays was spy on people using the surveillance equipment. It was times like these that he really loved that Shepard always kept a live radio feed with her. It kept him in the know, and, more importantly, kept him amused. There was also a small, pretty crappy, camera attached to her helmet. Why, he didn't really know, but it was kind of cool to see everything first-hand.

Shepard had just been totally screwed over by the council. They had completely blanked all her claims, and completely taken the side of that bastard-of-a-Turian Saren. He was blatantly evil! He barely even looked like a Turian! He was all...deformed, and junk!

Although maybe Joker was just biased. He had seen how badly that whole experience on Eden prime had rattled Shepard. Shepard. She was a weird one. Timid and frail when alone, tough and fierce in action, and freaking _gold _when she was half-asleep. He honestly didn't really know what to think about her. She was funny, quirky...but was that just when she was tired? He couldn't be sure. She was an unpredictable one, that much was sure.

He certainly wasn't going to be forgetting their little...well, not really 'little' – it was actually pretty damn long – encounter from last night any time soon. Shepard had been a completely different person from the pitiful little whelp he watched sob every night. It showed that there was hope of Shepard getting better, she just needed to open up to someone. And...well, Joker quite wanted to be that person. He wasn't good with people either. He understood. No one wanted to be friends with a snarky, smartass little cripple like him, and Shepard was understandably hesitant to reveal that she wasn't quite the heroic, tactical mastermind she was portrayed as.

In the time that Joker hadn't been paying attention, Shepard had been transported to some sort of medical clinic, and was wrestling thugs away from a doctor, with the help of a C-sec Turian. She moved impressively fast. She appeared ruthless, shooting first, thinking about it second. Maybe that was why she was so emotionally messed-up? The guilt was getting her, perhaps. He couldn't be sure, and he didn't feel like he knew her well enough to ask. He sat back in his highly-uncomfortable chair, the seat creaking angrily at his movement. The chairs on military ships really were terrible. He was sitting down almost twenty-four hours a day, they could have at least tried to make it so he didn't cramp up every couple of minutes if he didn't move constantly.

"How's the Commander doing?" Kaidan slipped into the seat beside Joker's, like he did fairly often. Shepard had sent Kaidan back to the ship in exchange for the new Turian, who had insisted he tag along. Shepard had hesitated, obviously not wanting to upset Kaidan by choosing the Turian over him, until Kaidan offered to return to the Normandy.

"The woman's freakin' lethal. Seriously, she pretty much just made a thug explode." Joker didn't look away from the screen, which was now splattered with...thug debris and other stuff that Joker didn't even want to identify. Kaidan sighed, moving closer so he could watch the screen as well.

"She didn't look good this morning. Does she seem sick to you or something?" Kaidan asked, frowning at the screen. At least she had stopped slaughtering people now. She had moved on to going back to the same strip club that had directed her to the med clinic. It must have been tiring, doing fuck all all day. Joker shifted awkwardly. He knew why Shepard seemed off, but was there a good way to say 'Oh, I've been watching her cry her heart out every night instead of sleeping!'. Instead, he opted for shrugging.

"I dunno. I haven't really spoken to her all that much." Shepard had said some pretty weird things last night, and Joker would keep that between them. Kaidan did seem genuinely concerned for Shepard's well-being, though. Was there something else going on there? Ooh, scandal.

"Not that she would tell you. She doesn't want to worry people with her problems." That really didn't seem like the way one spoke about their Commander.

"How long have you known her? Sounds like you're close." Joker finally glanced towards Kaidan, who was smiling like he'd just remembered something good. Joker raised a sceptical eyebrow. Okay, _now _he was curious.

"A while now. We'd met just a few times before we were both assigned to the Normandy. She's just...interesting. One minute she'll be ripping an enemy to pieces, and the next she'll be helping a kid find their lost teddy bear." From what little Joker had seen, Kaidan wasn't far wrong. But that all sounded a little too affectionate to be normal. Unless that was just how Kaidan spoke about everyone. Which would have been...really, really creepy.

"She does seem a bit...timid. Odd for a Military commander." Joker was trying to squeeze more information from the Lieutenant, just for future reference. He wondered how much Kaidan knew about Shepard's emotional instability.

"Well, from what I hear, she didn't have options other than joining the military. She was a poor orphan down on earth. She had no home, no money...it was her only real choice. She's good at what she does, but I don't think it's really...ideal for her." Joker nodded in agreement, turning his attention back to the screen momentarily.

"Now she's trying to save a Quarian who's about to be killed by Saren's men. This is like some kind of terrible, low-budget vid drama...how does she deal with all this shit?" Joker said it more to himself than Kaidan, but he hummed in reply, suddenly completely focused on everything Shepard was doing.

Her movements were swift, running so fast that the camera could barely keep up with her. Her movements were erratic and jerky. Kaidan gripped the arm of his chair tightly, running deep grooves in the rough material with his fingernails. Him and Joker were thinking the same thing: If Shepard didn't manage to save this Quarian, she would blame herself for it. It would break her. Kaidan's knuckles had turned white from the force of which he was clenching his fists. Joker was filled with anxiety. This whole charade really was like an old action vid.

Shepard could feel herself quickly filling with panic. A Quarian was about to die if they didn't hurry up, but they were being held up by seemingly endless hordes of useless idiots. At least Fist was gone for now. Yes, Shepard could have easily killed him. She wanted to. But she kept her cool, letting him scurry out of her grip for now. Garrus, the new Turian team mate, assured her that he wouldn't be able to escape C-sec now, which did make her feel a little bit less foolish for his escape.

She would thank Garrus later. Now, she had to get to this Quarian. She was barely even thinking about the possible evidence that the alien possessed, and was more eager to help her. She shoved another young human man to the side. He had been shot in the shoulder, and was now scrambling desperately at her ankles. Garrus sent another bullet in his direction, hitting him straight between the eyes. The sight made Shepard shudder slightly. Garrus put justice before sympathy. It was impressive, but unnerving.

Twisting around another corner, Shepard finally set eyes on the Quarian. Wearing a suit of purple, the girl was stood awkwardly, the hands of a perverted Turian roaming over her unwilling body. People like him made Shepard sick. Shoot first, ask questions later. A mantra Shepard personally hated, but it did come in useful.

Explosions and bullets whirred around the camera, obscuring most of Joker and Kaidan's view. Shepard yelled out in pain, but didn't stop her attacks. Her injured shoulder made movement hard, but she still had one arm. She wouldn't let herself lose. Joker admired it, in a way. Kaidan breathed out in relief when the smoke cleared to show that Shepard had, indeed, saved the Quarian girl. And the girl even had evidence. Bonus!

"Only Dash could go out to talk to the council and come back with alien squad mates and evidence that would have probably taken months to track down all in one day." Joker noted the use of Shepard's first name. Suspicious. Shepard took the evidence straight to Anderson and Udina. Even Shepard looked a little smug at the look on Udina's face when he heard the recording of Saren basically digging himself an never-ending hole of suffering. Joker had to resist the urge to cheer when the council finally listened to the evidence. The squeal of joy from Shepard was worth it. It was one of the first times she had actually showed an emotion other than anger whilst on this mission. She even high-fived the Turian in a moment of uncontrollable joy. He seemed perplexed, but complied with the gesture nonetheless. Now _that _was just painfully cute.

"I'm still finding it hard to believe that she's as ruthless as everyone thinks. I mean, that...that was just cute. Now imagine a buff, scary army guy doing the same thing. Not cute any more." Joker had tried desperately to not make it sound like he had some kind of school boy crush on the Commander. He had failed. Amazingly. And Kaidan's confused silence just confirmed that. Stupid, stupid Joker and his stupid-awesome speech issue-isms. Yeah. His grammar were good. He rested his chin on his hand, purposely looking away from Kaidan. He was forcing himself to look like that was a completely normal comment for him. Which it actually kind of was. As I said, well grammar teachings-ness.

"Well...she does have her cute moments. If it were her choice, everyone would probably just be at peace with each other. I mean, I swear she gets on better with aliens than humans. Bet she hates killing them all the damn time." Kaidan did have a point, it was like Shepard suddenly got a lot more talkative around foreign species. She was with the Turian and Quarian right now, and she was chattering like she had only just regained her voice after a long period of laryngitis. That was an odd simile. Somehow it made sense in Joker's funny little capped head.

"Damn. Bet no one would ever believe us if we mentioned this. I mean, people probably think she's freakin' kicking the leathery asses of the council right now. Nope. She's actually being polite." Shepard would forever be stuck with her reputation. No one would ever feel entirely safe around her, and Joker really did feel for her.

Shepard hated meetings with the council. Why she was forced to attend, she never would know. They made her feel small. A speck of dirt upon their shoes. Under their gaze she hung her head, almost too scared to look up at them. Anderson sent her an encouraging glance, urging her onwards to present the evidence she had received from Tali, the Quarian girl. It had been worth it, of course. Their looks of disbelief...she couldn't hold herself back from high-fiving her new Turian companion. He was just lucky she hadn't embraced him. She would, of course, feel awkward about that action later, but for now she could revel in her pride. It didn't happen often, she would just bask in it for now.

"Saren will be stripped of his spectre status, and shall be hunted down to pay for his crimes." A sigh of relief was released and Shepard let her shoulders slump. Finally, something was going to be done about Saren. How they didn't suspect him of something sinister, she would never understand. His eyes were glowing. _Glowing. _The council was clearly biased, as much as Shepard hated to admit it.

"Shepard can do it! You wouldn't have to commit any of your men, and Shepard knows what to do here. She's an expert." And then Udina decided to ruin Shepard's little happy moment by opening his mouth. She almost felt her blood turn to ice. Her. Spectre. Saren. _? Internal panic overload. _

Uh oh. Kaidan's jaw practically slammed against the floor. Udina, the little bastard! He was going to pressure the council into making Shepard into a Spectre. How would she react to that! Suddenly everyone in the galaxy would be speaking about her, gossiping about the first human Spectre...but she would also not be held down by any laws. Would she freak out? Or be happy? Joker genuinely didn't know.

"No! A human is not ready for the responsibilities of being a Spectre!" YES! Shepard suddenly loved the Turian councillor. A lot. And wanted to punch Udina. A lot. Then again, she wanted to do that anyway. Anderson looked about ready to sock him one, too. That little vein on his forehead was bulging like it always did when he was mad.

"No other man will take this mission. Shepard was a witness, she used the beacon. She is the only one who can do this." And there was Udina again. The Turian looked about ready to retort again, but the Asari stopped him. Much to Shepard's dread. She knew where this was going. She was going to become a Spectre.

Buggerfuckingweaseldicks.


	4. Chapter 4

So, I wrote the last chapter when I was half-asleep. Apparently I try to be funny when I'm half-asleep. Remind me not to do that again. 8D Anyways, I apologize for the rushed third chapter~ I just really dislike that part of the game. Drags on too much. And it would appear that I'm implying other romances. Honestly, I'm just letting my imagination take control of my typing...'S going well, I think! Hope y'all enjoy. I also just realized that this is the first ever time I've written a heterosexual fic. Dayum. Heavy risk...But the prize! (ME3 better come up with some new memes. We need them.) Also, I just finished ME3. Endings = Suck.

~ PJB

~O0O~

It took all of Shepard's willpower to not faint when she heard the news. She was the First human Spectre. And now Captain Anderson was giving up his ownership of The Normandy! Sensory overload. She was pretty sure that a small part of her brain had imploded . And there was something about a Krogan. She hadn't quite been...'with it', when that all happened. Garrus and Tali ahd seemingly picked up on her instability, as they had both kept her talking so she wouldn't keel over on the spot.

Setting foot on the Normandy felt...wrong. Peculiar. Anderson had been forced out of his job by that bastard Udina. The same bastard who had talked the council into making her into a Spectre. And 'panicking' could not describe what she was doing right now. She didn't even know what time it was. She was currently pacing the back and forth around the outside of the elevator. She would have gone down to her usual spot on the lower decks, but it would appear that Garrus, and the new Krogan...Wrex, she believed his name was, had made themselves comfortable down there. And it would be a little odd for her to wander down there in her pyjamas again just to snuggle up to the Mako and stare blankly into space. Not a good first impression for their new...'Captain'. Just thinking that word made her shudder. She would stick as 'Commander' for now. Or just Dash. She didn't really mind. But people seemed to think that she would shove a gun straight down their throat if they referred to her in an informal matter. Why, she didn't know.

"All is fine, all is fine...this is a good thing! Now the law won't get in your way, Dash!" Now she was trying to pep-talk herself out of a nervous breakdown. Normal. So, so normal. Why was it that everything seemed to trigger extreme nervous reactions within her? It wasn't good. And

on this occasion, it really was not working. The patter of her feet against the metal was starting to get on her own nerves, so she stopped moving to lean against one of the walls. There must have been some kind of heating element embedded in the steel, as the material was warm to the touch. The air was cold, but the walls warm. Maybe that was why Shepard was shivering quite so vigorously. It might well have been the lack of sleep or food that was doing it, too.

She nuzzled her face against the wall, comforted by the heat emitted. God knows she needed something to calm her down.

"I see you've made friends with the wall. You work fast." And there was that yelp again. She would learn to control that. One day. Somehow.

"That's one odd way of greeting people, Commander." He didn't sound offended, however. Shepard turned slowly away from the wall, her eyes still wide from the surprise. The warm spot on the wall had left a blotch of red on her forehead, just above her right eye. Joker could barely resist the urge to giggle. So he didn't.

"Meanie." Yes, it was childish, but Shepard pouted at him anyway. It just made him laugh more.

Joker smiled. The Commander was fun to tease. He wouldn't piss her off on purpose, however. He tried that with the last Captain. It ended with toilet-cleaning duty for a month. Not that he supposed Shepard would be quite that mean...Then again, she did implode a fair amount of thugs not so long ago. Eh, the banter calmed her a little. It would do for now.

This time, Joker hadn't even needed to check the security cameras to tell where Shepard had wandered off to, the sound of her pacing had echoed throughout the entire cockpit. She had only been circling the area just behind the galaxy map, except this time she didn't look sad at all. Nope. She looked about ready to explode. He didn't actually think he'd ever seen someone that anxious before. She was trembling like a bloody earthquake, and her forehead was beaded with sweat.

"You seemed...jittery. You okay?" He actually had trouble making things sound sincere. That's what happens when you spend years muttering nothing but sarcastic remarks. Hear that, kids? Stay away from the sarcasm. And drugs. But the sarcasm more.

Shepard set herself down awkwardly on the steps leading up to the galaxy map. She threw herself down a bit too roughly, the back of the stairs clashing against the back of her legs. It didn't hurt, luckily. She had actually taken her own advice of just leaving her hard-suit on. It wasn't like the pyjamas ever made her sleep better, why bother?

"I'm fine. Really, I...am." Oooh, she was using the 'mean military woman' voice. Joker wasn't falling for it. He'd seen the real Shepard last night. Last night...last night, Shepard had been at the funny-sleepy stage of sleep deprivation where you kind of got so tired that you got hyper. Now she was at the point where it started to make you ill. It was clear, to Joker at least.

Shepard hated it when she used that tone. Even if it was required for certain situations, it didn't mean she enjoyed it. Last night, she had been so free around the pilot. Just thinking of it made her blush. She had sat there in next-to-no clothing, stained with hot chocolate, and made perverted jokes about Udina. She liked it when she was like that. It was like looking back to before Akuze, when she was a carefree, fun-loving idiot. She was comfortable around the people she served with. Now...now she was just...pathetic.

"Really? Because you look like you're about to puke, Commander." He wasn't just saying that to bug the Commander, she really did look sick. She looked up at him, her eyes unfocused.

"I...don't think I am. More like I'm probably going to faint. I really am fine, don't worry." Her smile was forced, and she waved him away with a trembling hand. Her hand felt...heavy. So did her eyelids. She knew this feeling all too well, from years of gun fights and sleep issues. The tiredness had caught up with her, finally.

"Commander...?" She slumped forwards, her body going limp upon the floor. He crouched down to prod her gently with his finger. Nope. Out cold. At least the deck was deserted, again. Shepard wouldn't have been able to forgive herself if the crew had seen this. She would probably hate it that Joker had seen it, even. He wouldn't judge her for it as he'd seen all the crap that had happened that day, but others might not be so generous with their judgements. If the press had seen all that camera footage...well, he had a lot of potential blackmail material against Shepard. He would never use it, but it still wasn't good that he had it in the first place.

He knelt down next to her, his legs creaking in a loud protest against the awkward movement. He would have to move her, but where to? Somewhere that not a lot of people would see her like this. It would look highly questionable if he just dumped her in front of the Mako and told Garrus to watch her. Not to mention how embarrassing that would be for Shepard, having the man she had met just that day and hardly knew learning all about her sleep issues. He would have serious trouble explaining himself if someone caught him carrying her Princess-style to her cabin. And the mess hall...that was the area most likely to be invaded by wandering crew in the early hours. Kaidan, for example. Ah. Kaidan...Kaidan's seat next to Joker's would do nicely. And it wouldn't be hugely uncomfortable.

Scooping Shepard up in his arms, he half-dragged, half-carried Shepard across the floor. To a third part witness, it would have looked hilarious, Shepard all limp and floppy and Joker groaning in pain as his legs were just about ready to give up their life just to drop the unwelcome weight. Shepard was more...curvaceous than she looked. And just why was she wearing her armour in the middle of the night? Has her paranoia really gotten that bad?...Or was she just bored?

Shepard's feet made a strange scraping noise as they brushed against the floor with every of Joker's shaky, unsteady footsteps. Just when had he assigned himself to be Shepard's little caretaker...? Actually, he wasn't even sure if Shepard knew about his 'condition'. She's feel pretty damn guilty if she knew that he had just about risked breaking half of his bone mass just by carrying her. Could he try and use his disease as a form of motivation for Shepard to attempt to make herself better? They both had serious problems, but hers was curable.

He made sure to lay her down gently in the chair, as much as he desperately wanted to just throw her down if only just so he could walk properly again. He checked that her body was twisted painfully at all before setting himself back down into his own chair. It was definitely weird seeing Shepard fully relaxed. Her shaved head was rested on her forearm, and her knees were held close to her chest. All huddled up like that...like a little cocoon. A cocoon waiting to burst open...ugh, now Joker's mind was starting to sound all sappy. What was it about Shepard that made his sarcasm-reflex mess up? He should have been making witty comments, not...poetry.

Shepard let out a noise that sounded something akin to a whimper, her hands clenching into tight fists. The screams. The cries of pain. The walls shook as her crew mates clawed at the door in desperation. Calling her name...their last words. The Thresher maw shredding them to pieces. And all she could bring herself to do was cry.

It was even more shocking to watch it first-hand, not on a tiny screen. Shepard was crying in her sleep. But not just a solitary tear. Proper, full-blown crying into the material of the seat, biting into her lip until it bled – crying. It was tempting to just sit back and observe, Joker wouldn't deny it. But he wasn't that evil. Shepard twitched as he placed a hand upon her shoulder, gentle enough to make it obvious that he wasn't trying to harm her. She shied away from his touch. He felt weird doing this. He knew so much more about her than she did about him...he would have to fix that.

"Commander, it's okay! I'm here." He really wasn't good at being the comforter. He tried as well as he could to make himself sound sincere. Shepard yelped, jerking out of her sleep and sitting bolt upright. Her eyes were wide and restless, moist and clouded with fear. She leant back with an exasperated sigh. Of course she would have that same damn...dream-memory thingy. There really wasn't even a point in even bothering with sleep attempts.

The laugh she released was bitter, full of contempt towards herself. Never before had Joker seen someone look so...lost. Helpless. And he still had his hand on her shoulder. He didn't move, waiting for Shepard to look at him or speak before he dare to disturb her. Moments passed, and she didn't move. He cleared his throat a few times to try and snap her out of her trance-like state. Her eyes were moist, glistening with tears that were teetering on the edge of her lid, but she didn't look sad. Facially, she looked...well, more...bored than anything. She was really that used to this happening.

It was only minutes, but it felt like hours before Shepard slowly craned her head to face the pilot, her eyebrows arched in concern for him over herself.

"I'm sorry you had to see that. And...um, I'll assume it was you who had to carry me here?" She averted her gaze as she spoke, her timid nature breaking back through.

Shepard couldn't let him see her cry. That was just...it would make her feel like the dreams had...'won', or something. It sounded silly when put like that, but it made a profound sense to her. Most of her thoughts confused other people, she was used to it by now. Joker looked worried. It was exactly why she never told the crew of her...problems. She didn't want people to coddle her...there was more important stuff happening in the galaxy at the moment.

"No trouble, really." That was a lie. But he made it sound sincere, at least. "Stress getting to you, Commander?" He knew that she couldn't sleep, he'd witnessed that every night for a while now...but he didn't know the exact reasoning behind it. Frequently she awoke with a scream. Memories of Akuze? He'd heard about that...her whole crew, wiped out by a Thresher maw. And then she was rewarded for it. How that affected her...it must have been heartbreaking. She had watched her team wiped out. And people saw that as heroic?

"It's just...I'm fine. Stress...yeah, something like that." Her voice was monotonous, forcibly dull-sounding. Her stare was fixed as far away from Joker as she could get it. The wall must have been doing something damn interesting to keep her so captivated like that.

Joker stayed silent, drumming his fingers against the tatty material of his arm rest. If he wanted to make Shepard open up... The direct approach may have been the best way to start it. Shepard sure as Hell wasn't going to be the trigger. She was perfectly content snuggled into her little nest of despair. Well. Better late than never, he supposed. And if Shepard just ignored him...He would just keep trying. As much of an unwanted buden as it was, the fate of the galaxy could be resting on the (oddly wide) shoulders of this one woman.

"Commander." Shepard flinched as the tense silence was broken. He had put on the most stern voice he could. Which wasn't actually too harsh, as he didn't exactly use it often. Determination drove him to potentially embarrass himself in front of the person who would be giving him orders every day for...he didn't even know how long. He didn't wait for her to respond before continuing.

"Did you know I have Vrolik syndrome?" She raised her eyebrows at that. If just urged him on more. "Brittle bone disease. My bones are hollow, the tiniest bump could shatter them at any moment." Her eyes widened more, if possible, and she actually turned to face him. She did not speak, however. "I don't like telling people about it, I don't want them to pity me, label me as the pathetic cripple."

He moved his hand so it was planted firmly on Shepard's shoulder, his eyes locked onto her own. "I know it can't be cured, and I don't care. It doesn't stop me doing my job. But your sleep problems wreck your body, Commander." She hung her face low, her eyes welling up once more.

"I...I can't help it. I've tried everything...and others shouldn't need to worry about me!" Her voice was but a whisper, cracking in the middle as a tear escaped from the confines of Shepard's eye. Joker smiled, patting her shoulder gently, removing his hand afterwards.

"Shepard. My disease can't be cured, but you _can._ And it's not like I'll tell people about this. I suck with social crap. I want to help." Ugh, he sounded all mushy again. Shepard didn't reply, but she was still staring into his eyes.

How...how could she let one of her subordinates treat her like a child? But Joker seemed so...he just seemed...she felt like she could trust him. And the look in those deep, wonderful green eyes...She knew he wasn't going to let this go.

"Okay. Commander Dash Shepard, I order you to make that chair your new bed! That way, I can make sure you're okay. No protests." He nodded and grinned, turning back to the controls of the ship. Which, in hindsight, he had left alone for a little too long. Shepard couldn't help but smile back.. It was just a slight up-turn of lips...but it was something, for sure.

"Dash." Joker cocked an eyebrow and looked to her for an explanation of her random outburst.

"Call me...Dash." She curled back up in the chair, rolling aside so her face was away from Joker. This was all so...new. Peculiar.

But...maybe it was for the best? Well, she would find out soon enough.


End file.
